Chivalry.
The origin of the word comes from the French word "chevalier", which basically means a horseman or knight. It's original meaning was to signify the status of a military man who owned a war-horse, or was part of a group of mounted knights. However, the definition of the word evolved over time, until it became the word used to describe the ideal Christian warrior in the late 11th century. By the 12th century, the term chivalry was understood to mean the moral, religious, and social code associated with knightly conduct.
By examining the writings of the time, medieval chivalry can be described using three essential areas:
- Duties to countrymen and Christians: This is where many of the virtues associated with chivalry fall into place. Things such as courage, mercy, valor, fairness, protecting the weak, and so on were prized. This is also where the ideal of giving your life to save another came in to play.
- Duties to God: These duties would encompass things such as championing good, protecting the innocent, being faithful to God and to the church, being faithful to your feudal lord, and being generous
- Duties to women: Most people today are more familiar with this area of chivalry. Known better as the art of courtly love, the idea is that a chivalrous knight would serve his lady, then all others after her. This is where the idea of graciousness and gentleness towards all women comes from.
Chivalry from this time is most closely associated with the male portion of the nobility, upper class, and the most well-off of merchants. As much of the time, this social tier was something you were most often born into, it became tradition governing the behavior of the men in the upper class in Europe. As time went on, however, the term "gallantry" came to replace the term "chivalry" to describe the proper behavior of upper class males towards upper class females.
I really hope this isn't boring you. I promise, I have a point, and I'll get there.
Starting in recent memory, however, both the term and notion of chivalry have come under attack. Much of this began with the women's suffrage movements in the late 19th century. They claimed that men were keeping them from voting and running for office by using an "antiquated system" of chivalrous ideals. In particular, they attacked the "gender aspect" of chivalry.
In the 20th century discourse regarding gender equality, chivalry became reduced to a mere technical term describing the "phenomena" wherein men (and society as a whole) tended to be more attentive to the protection of women over men. Fueled further by the beginnings of the feminist movement in the 1960's, chivalry became lumped in with extremist masculinism and thoroughly denounced as an "unequal" and "sexist ideology".
Without going further into the rabbit hole that is the Feminist and Masculinist movements, Let me tell you about an experience I had the other day. But first, some background. I was raised in a deep Southern household. No, not the teeth-falling-out, tobacco-smoking-and-chewing, incestuous-family stereotypical redneck kind that is often portrayed as typical for Southerners. I'm talking about the old-South kind of family. The kind where manners and courtesy are hard-wired into you from birth. The kind where you spend your days copying George Washington's "Rules of Civility" by hand. The kind where you answer questions and requests with "Yes sir / No sir" or "Yes ma'am / No ma'am". Alright, back to the story.
It was one of those times during the day when most students are in the middle of classes. Not many people are out and about, and I was walking out of a lab to go grab some lunch before my next class was due to start. As I was walking out of the IT Building, I noticed a young lady walking towards it to go inside. Natural instinct took over, and as I headed out of the building, I paused to hold the door open for her to walk in after me.
Boy, would I regret that.
Almost immediately, this young lady became infuriated that I was holding the door open. "Does it look like I can't handle opening a door by myself? Because I'm perfectly capable of performing that menial task on my own" she fumed. A bit surprised, I replied "I'm a firm believer in your capability to open this door for yourself. I just thought I'd hold it to save you the trouble, since I've already opened it for myself."
After this she proceeded to lecture me about how gender-insensitive I was being by assuming she wasn't capable or qualified to open her own door. I don't know if she was having a bad day or what, but she was perfectly livid at the idea that I might be treating her as less than an equal. I tried in vain to explain that it was an action based on courtesy and respect, but she would hear none of it.
What stuck me most was when I tried to explain the concept of chivalry to her. She listened to me explain it, then said something that still unsettles me. She said "Chivalry sounds like a terrible, misogynistic system put in place to keep women in their place while men kept their own power. It's an ancient way of thinking, and it deserves to be forgotten."
Back to now...
When I hear women lament that "Chivalry is dead", I can't help but think of examples like this. Part of the reason chivalry is on the decline is because of women just like the one I encountered. These women are the reason why common courtesy from men is no longer common. They are just a small part of the larger problem, where men don't hold the same respect for women as they have in years gone by.
I hear young ladies every day bemoan the condition men are in today. They want their Prince Charming to sweep them off their feet. They cry out, "Where have all the good men gone?". They ask for men who would treat them right. They want their Disney Prince.
But sadly, those men are few and rare today. In the name of gender equality, the ideals of chivalry have fallen by the wayside. The men who would be some woman's "Prince Charming" are told that to become that prince is to disrespect the rights of women, and to insinuate their inferiority. Being a good man is now linked to treating women as if there were nothing special about them. From the time we are boys, males in today's world are taught that women are not special, they are just the same as everyone else.
This is something I disagree with in every sense of the word. I believe women are special. I believe they should be treated with respect. I don't consider them as inferior or weaker in any way, but I do believe there is something that sets them apart from men.
I'm starting to ramble now, so I'll make my final points.
WOMEN: If you want your Disney prince, then let it show! Value the young men in your life who exemplify the ideals you're searching for. Thank them for opening doors for you, thank them for showing you respect. Speaking to you as a young man, it's a rewarding experience to feel appreciated, even for the small things we do. So please, encourage us! If you want respect, encourage respect. If you want a gentleman, encourage gentlemanly behavior. Above all, don't settle for less.
MEN: Treat women with respect. We too often tend to objectify them, and it is indeed part of our nature to tend towards that very thing. But fight it! Treat women like people, not objects. Be polite, be courteous...be the man that the kind of woman you want will want! Practice the art of Chivalry. Prove to the women of the world that no, it is not dead. Prove that it is relevant today. Prove that practicing it has made you a better man and a better person. Again, I cannot emphasize this enough:
be the kind of man that the kind of woman you want will want.
This took me a bit longer to put out there, but I really wanted to make sure I was saying all of this in the right way. As always, feel free to discuss in the comments, or shoot me a message if you want to hear my unabridged views (yeah, I cut a lot out to keep this piece to a reasonable length).
Until next time!
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